Off the Map

I’m not on Facebook.  This has been the scourge of some of my friends, who occasionally ask me, exasperated, “So, Ben, are you on Facebook yet??”

Some of these friends are more “e-friends” than “friends.”  They are people with whom I interact online rather than in person.  In our lives, we tend to make distinctions in our lives between “friends” and “acquaintances.”  The word “acquaintance” refers to someone with whom you’re not very intimately associated, while the word “friend” refers to someone with whom you’re a bit more so.

So why do we not distinguish between “friends” and “e-friends”?  Why, do we confuse “social networking” and “e-social networking”?

Just because you can “social network” (interact online with someone) does not mean you have the skills to socialize.

I’ve realized this as I’ve become a better socializer.  In some of my work with Yahoo!, I’ve been forced to go up and meet total strangers over and over again.  I’ve been forced to have conversations with them, share information about something related to Yahoo!, and sustain the conversation for some period of time.

I wasn’t always able to do this comfortably.  I’ve developed the skill.  You start to realize it’s actually not very hard once you thrust yourself into the endeavor.  You learn little tactics here and there that are generally successful.  Maybe you smile.  Maybe you share your name or ask a question.  Maybe you add a little music to your voice.  Each situation has different demands.  But it ain’t rocket science, and you’re probably not going to die from doing it.  However, it may seem a bit like rocket science and it may seem as if you’re putting your head on the guillotine.

Online social interaction–that is, e-social interaction–is a different beast.  People don’t face the same fears when sending an electronic message to someone.  Someone who is deathly afraid of socializing may be immortally courageous in e-socializing.  That is just one reason why “social networking” should not be confused with true socializing.  It should be distinguished by calling it “e-social networking,” or calling it by some other term that implies the electronic component.  Else, we start to identify e-social networking with true socializing and think the abilities are the same.

Given this, they should be called “e-friends” as opposed to “friends.”  Why?  Because according to Facebook, I have zero friends.

I love saying that.  It points out to the hypnotized Facebook user that Facebook-friends are not truly friends.  Many people don’t seem to recognize the difference, at least with their words.  They trumpet the number of friends they have on Facebook as if it is a badge of their social power.  But these people often seem incredibly socially anxious (at least relative to me) and unable to initiate a tiny social interaction without discomfort.

I am missing something by not doing the e-social networking thing.  There are truly wonderful things that can come for participating.  However, at this point, I feel that it will subtract from my life rather than add to my life.  I live a largely meaningful life already.  My time is usually taken up in some way or another with activities related to my interests and goals.  That means little of my time is wasted.  From my perspective, e-social networking will take away from time for my meaningful interests.  It won’t improve my ability to socialize.  I’ll peddle in virtual friendships.  My interest in people will seem large and extensive given a wide network of e-friends, but in reality it probably will turn into a sadly superficial interest in these people.  My knowledge of their lives and feelings will lack depth.  While I might type “!!!” in reference to an event in an e-friend’s life, in reality I might be emotionless and unmoved as I sit at my keyboard reading.  I’m putting up an electronic front, an avatar of excitement.  I can’t pull that wool as easily in true social interaction.

I’m reminded of that time when I felt a stranger of the opposite sex brush me for a second, maybe on the arm.  It was a reminder that there is something to touch that won’t ever be experienced when e-friendship is confused for friendship or e-social networking is confused for socializing.  You can’t touch an e-friend.  You can’t socialize in a virtual network.

See also: e-friends, social-networking