Ben Hauck

Ben Hauck

Yes, I do write songs.

I’ve written an assortment of songs over the years. I’ve categorized them into collections, which, of course, you can sample below.

(Make sure your speakers are on.)

Collaborations

I’ve been branching out in my songwriting mostly by collaborating with singer-songwriters and bands. While I can’t sing in a universally recognized fashion, and while I don’t play musical instruments in any way reflecting I’ve had training, I think I’m a kind of rock star at my core. Influencing music might be the closest I get to doing music, and below are some of the ways I’ve influenced music.

Watch the Video

Story behind the Song

On January 3, 2013, I was talking to vlogger Aimée Davison in Montreal on the phone about her difficulties recording some vocals for a parody song she was working on for her YouTube channel LOLpervs.

After her liking how I sounded doing the vocals, I offered to record them. I don’t have a very good setup for recording vocals, so Aimée added her vocals over mine in the final version of the video titled “Neckbeards and Land Whales.” It’s about the internet memes referring to people with bears on their neck and obese people.

Credits

Lyrics by Aimée Davison.

Performed by Aimée Davison and Ben Hauck.

Royalty-free music by Audio Micro.

Originally posted on YouTube at LOLpervs on January 4, 2013.

Link: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=etIfq90f4iw

Watch the Video

Story behind the Song

It was October 28, 2012, and I was in New York City as Hurricane Sandy was approaching the coast of the Mid-Atlantic United States. I realized there would be quite a number of couples shacking up for the hurricane, which was due to pick up in intensity overnight, and which had sent a number of people home because the subways weren’t running.

I started telling people the lyric that I thought was funny, including singer-songwriter friend of mind Angie Atkinson. I texted her at 4:53pm:

“I’m just lookin for a hurricane girlfriend / One I can bang in the eye”

Angie identified with the lyrics, being home alone herself.  Minutes later I texted her this challenge:

Turn it into a twangy song and youtube it and it’ll go superviral tomorrow

By 8:41pm, Angie already had it written.  She texted me:

Ugh I have written and video’d a song but I’m having video/sound sync issues.  Different camera for take 3 after I eat

By the morning, I saw the video online.  Angie didn’t use the exact lyrics I provided her, but her song was definitely inspired in part by them and a modified version of the lyrics appear toward the end of the tune.

I promoted the hell out of the song on Twitter and amongst my friends.  I played it over and over in my apartment as it was extremely catchy.  I was even singing it in my apartment when I didn’t know it!  While the song didn’t go “superviral” as I had thought it might, it definitely got commendable recognition and views online, to the tune of about 2,600 or so by the time it was no longer culturally relevant.  To that date, it was Angie’s most viewed video on her YouTube channel.

Credits

Music and lyrics by Angie Atkinson with additional lyrics and inspiration by Ben Hauck.

Originally posted on YouTube at AngieAtkinsonMusic on October 28, 2012.

Link: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1eQdrjrQTRk

“Posting Songs”

These songs were created for various posting milestones on The Improv Resource Center, a major long-form improv website where I (known as benorbeen) was by far the most prolific poster. The songs make specific references to people and events on the IRC, as well as to improv, improv figures, improv ideas, and my own book on improv, which was in the writing during this period.

My relationship with the IRC had generally been contentious — from my perspective, often the result of misunderstanding or hegemony. This leads to emotional, even self-disparaging songs, not to mention humorous tunes that mockingly aggrandize posting milestones and my focal place in the IRC culture.

Listen to the Song
Story behind the Song

Here’s the first posting song I ever created.

On the Improv Resource Center, I was top poster, and there was a lot of silly hoohah about the various posting milestones I’d achieve. By far I was the most prolific poster, no one even coming close to the number of posts I’d produce. This annoyed a number of people, though I don’t think it ever annoyed me when others would post frequently.

The song was created as a surprise for the IRC. I decided I’d create a rap to “celebrate” the event. A lot of the references aren’t understood by current IRC members. It references:

  • Tereyn, a young girl who appeared on the IRC when I was challenged to shut up for a month, who got mercilessly attacked for being a fraud when she was indeed a young girl, one whose guardian I tracked down to let know of the treatment she was being subjected to on the IRC, thus breaking my IRC silence
  • Gondorchin, as in the member Frank Gondorchin, who would upset me for various reasons I don’t remember anymore
  • not doing improv — I had left improv at this time out of frustration
  • ppd, as in “posts per day,” 8.24 being my ppd around the time, a rather high number
  • youngcat, a member who seemed to get jealous when I lapped him in posts in the very early days of the IRC
  • Respecto Montalban, the famed improv group whose Harold style I found very inspiring, and whose Harold may have influenced me to take my first improv classes
  • “dom,” as in dominatrices, a couple of whom were friends of mine for a summer and whom I’d met through improv classes
  • and mullaney, the webmaster for the IRC, whom a friend of mine and I convinced to wear a Burger King crown for a CageMatch show at the Upright Citizens Brigade Theatre in 2001 — I also had an avatar for a while of mullaney’s photo, onto which I airbrushed a beard.

Improvland, a now-defunct improv website at the time, celebrated as the second most important event in improv in 2001 my achievement of 2,000 posts on the IRC. That silly honor might have been the start of my paying any attention to posting milestones. I reference Improvland in the song, too. Here’s what Joey Michaels, the Improvland columnist who made the declaration, originally wrote:

2) Benorbeen posts #2000 on the Improv Ressource Center’s message boards

It was November 7, 2001 in a thread titled “improv rules – where do they come from”, started by our very own Manny! For once, long time Improv Resource Center poster, Benorbeen, was on topic as he wrote:

The first Homo-sapien thespian, Og, “invented” yes-anding–originally called “Og-Og”–when clubbing members of his caveman tribe.

So began Beorbeen’s theory on the origin of improvisation. Visit the thread for the whole story.

As of this writing, he is about half way to 3000 posts. Well done, Benorbeen!

Lyrics

i post the most posts

i roast the board’s host
the bearded mullaney
ya know what i’m sayin?
ya know what i mean?
of course you don’t
i’m ben or bean
or ben or ben
i got more posts than eminem
protecting little girls who are named tereyn
stealing photos and giving captions
i have my very own off-topic forum
getting pissed off by gondorchin
and just when you think my reign’s gonna end
i slam another post, number 4000

and just when you think my reign’s gonna end
i slam another post, number 4000
and just when you think my reign’s gonna end
i slam another post, number 4000

i used to do improv but now i don’t
i know a few people, i got their goat
i took four classes at ucb
— 8.24 ppd —
that’s post per day, you say what’s dat?
i didn’t really know til this guy youngcat
got real pissed off when i lapped him with my posts
“we like hot butter on our breakfast toast”
number 2 in ’01 on improvland
when i slammed my post, number 2000
and just when you think i can’t yes-and
i slam another post, number 4000

and just when you think i can’t yes-and
i slam another post, number 4000
and just when you think i can’t yes-and
i slam another post, number 4000

controversy, i like to spark it
my acting career, i like to market
i’ll tell you all about benhauck.com
and at what site my mp3s are on
you might ignore me but i won’t be gone
as long as i can turn this computer screen on
i first fell love with respecto montalban
i had a couple friends who were into dom
we’d go to see a harold, there’d never be a frown
cuz we got mullaney ‘wear a burger king crown
but that’s all real and this is pretend
this irc i tend to offend
at 3-9-9-9 will it ever end?
hell no, this post, number 4000

and just when you think my reign’s gonna end
i slam another post, number 4000
and just when you think my reign’s gonna end
i slam another post, number 4000
and just when you think my reign’s gonna end
i slam another post, number 4000

Credits

Originally posted on the Improv Resource Center Message Boards on June 28, 2002.

Link: http://improvresourcecenter.com/mb/showthread.php?t=6486

Listen to the Song
Story behind the Song

My first “major” song, this is my first time formally experimenting with looping software. I found some awesome dance loops and created a cool dance track with them.

It also features a blizzard of cool rhymes. At the time, the Improv Resource Center garnered a lot of internet fame because it featured a journal called “True Porn Clerk Stories” by Ali Davis. Many new members joined just to add their own journals, which proved a little bit of a problem as the IRC was not a blog site.

This song was a surprising contrast to “4,000” — the first posting song I made. An ironic braggadocious arrogance is evident in this song as in other posting songs, which is not sincere and instead intended for comic effect.

And included in it is the work of two contributors. The IRC’s spacedani contributed the female sounds in the bridge, and the IRC’s domweasel contributed the vocally modulated phrase near the end of the bridge. (I’d recruited the IRC to provide me with soundbytes to whip into a song, and domweasel was the only obliging member.)

Lyrics

time to introduce
i’m benorbeen
posting on the irc
god knows when
computer keyboard
haven’t got a pen
the last song i wrote
called “4,000”
sorry to be mean
call me benorbeen
doesn’t really matter
it’s just how it’s seen
i have a lot of posts
don’t mean to boast
but please raise your glass
i’m gonna make a toast

I HAVE 5,000 POSTS!
I HAVE 5,000 POSTS!
I HAVE 5,000 POSTS!
I HAVE 5,000 POSTS!
I HAVE 5,000 POSTS!
I HAVE 5,000 POSTS!
I HAVE 5,000 POSTS!
I HAVE 5,000 POSTS!

oops, wow!
that was kinda loud
i was hoping you could hear me,
porn clerk crowd
you come to read a journal
i’m a lot more eternal
i’m a big fat popcorn
and you are but a kernel
post like an uzi
online jacuzzi
on my coke there’s a koozie
i’m feeling kinda woozy
did someone spike my drink?
i post before i think
i think i’m at the brink
watch my face turn PINK!

I HAVE 5,000 POSTS!
I HAVE 5,000 POSTS!
I HAVE 5,000 POSTS!
I HAVE 5,000 POSTS!
I HAVE 5,000 POSTS!
I HAVE 5,000 POSTS!
I HAVE 5,000 POSTS!
I HAVE 5,000 POSTS!

Credits

Additional lyrics by spacedani (Danielle Zeghbib) and domweasel (Alex Marino).

Originally posted on the Improv Resource Center Message Boards on October 22, 2002.

Link: http://improvresourcecenter.com/mb/showthread.php?t=8748

Listen to the Song
Story behind the Song

This song was created with a lot of humor, and it’s one of my favorite songs: it’s like a mantra. The song’s vocals are created by a program into which I could type words that it spoke. I typed in only a few things and fit it to a great beat.

The second chorus is really chilling to me. Then it segues into a ridiculous reference to the Prince song “When Doves Cry,” alluding to their sounding like roosters crowing. Part of that referred to a related identity on the Improv Resource Center that spoofed me known as cockofbenorbeen.

Lyrics

benorbeenorbenorbeen
6000posts
improvresourcecenter
thisiswhatitsoundslikewhendovescry
hahahahahahahahahaha

Credits

Originally posted to the Improv Resource Center Message Boards on February 16, 2003.

Link: http://improvresourcecenter.com/mb/showthread.php?t=11341

Listen to the Song
Story behind the Song

This song was the first really big stylistic departure for me. Before this, the songs were getting louder and more electronic. Suddenly, this “smooth jazz” song shows up for my 7,000th post on the Improv Resource Center and fourth posting song.

The song is put together from some related loops I found on the internet. I don’t recall if they’re all related, but some of them were. The woman was unnamed in the files I found.

Emotionally, I was in a weird place. Specifically, I remember being mocked by some well-known female in the community then, but exactly how I was mocked I don’t recall. Whatever the case, it was someone I’d met through a girlfriend on good terms, who later didn’t behave too nicely toward me.

The song is a little about self-loathing and/or depression. That’s probably why I’m not too keen to it today.

Lyrics

you press submit
seven thousand times
on a message board
hated (right)

you and your crown
what is it worth
on a message board?
nothing (right)

today is the day i say i posted 7k
today is the day i say i posted 7k
today is the day i say i posted 7k
and that was my day

turning on ignore
voting you a 1
calling this support
loser (right)

you’ve gone nowhere
you don’t improv
barely even coach
poser (right)

today is the day i say i posted 7k
today is the day i say i posted 7k
today is the day i say i posted 7k
and that was my day

and that was my day

Credits

Originally posted on the Improv Resource Center Message Boards on May 22, 2003.

Link: http://improvresourcecenter.com/mb/showthread.php?t=14264

Listen to the Song
Story behind the Song

Trying to surprise people, I posted “7,000” then I followed it with the song “7,001” on my next posting. “7,001” is a rap built on top of a loop that I’d created from a combination of Beaker from The Muppet Show and a line from the film Boogie Nights. To my ear, the combination is awesome. Quite accidentally, the song became a little bit about conceitedness (“being all about myself,” as in “me me me me me me!”).

The song is partly born from frustration about getting harassed on the Improv Resource Center. At the time, I felt that if people wanted to make fun of me, I wouldn’t be recommending their shows to my friends. Thus, their mocking of me would affect their audience turnout.

There is also a reference to Choo Choo Andee, the username of Andy Milonakis, the guy who improvised the song “The Superbowl (Is Gay)” and became an internet and television star because of it. Before he was famous he was an IRC member, who even showed up at one of my birthday parties!

Lyrics

seven thousand one posts
and i gotta project
i gotta bunsen burner, beaker,
and a cock that’s erect
it talks like a big chicken
broil it on the flame
in new york city improv cirques
i’ve got abundant fame
’cause i post like a hooker
who hasn’t got a pimp
but instead she’s got the internet
and johns who are limp
you can’t feed me alcohol
i won’t puff on your smokes
you insist you know my motives,
i won’t laugh at your jokes
if you show me any meanness
i will boycott your show
and i’ll publicize it
to friends who would go
if you say that’s unsupportive
you took the first step …
don’t mess with seven thousand one —

*

seven thousand one posts
let’s make it seven thousand two
i’ve got a dsl connection,
boring job, and a clue
colonel mustard in the kitchen
miss scarlett with the pipe
choo choo andee on the kimmel show
ben hauck on the mike
tearing up the irc like a pit bull in a pickle
never showing signs of stopping, never slowing to a trickle
you think i am a nincompoop and then you condescend
but you don’t know a thing at all and you can’t comprehend
if you show me any meanness
i will boycott your show
and i’ll publicize it
to friends who would go
if you say that’s unsupportive
you took the first step …
don’t mess with seven thousand one —

Credits

Originally posted on the Improv Resource Center Message Boards on May 28, 2003.

Link: http://improvresourcecenter.com/mb/showthread.php?t=14393

Listen to the Song
Story behind the Song

Using a karaoke version of Whitney Houston’s “Greatest Love Of All,” I altered the lyrics to be about posting on the Improv Resource Center. One lyric references “ppd,” which stands for “posts per day,” which sometimes people reacted to in my site stats given how frequently I posted on the IRC message boards.

While I tried to sing it as best I could, my singing is notably bad in some places, which adds to the fun of the track. The song is a complete change of style and pace from how I had done the previous posting songs. For one, it was a cover; for two, it was truly sung.

I don’t really listen to this song these days, but it’s kinda sweet in a geeky, nerdy way. I absolutely love the final lyric.

Lyrics

I believe that improv is our future
Teach it well, perform it on the stage
Improvisers need a message board website
Give them a forum off-topic to make it easier
Let the newbies’ laughter
Remind us how we used to post

Everybody searching for a hero
People need someone to look up to
“Is his name benorben or benorbean?”
A lonely place at work
And so I learned to use the IRC

I decided long ago
Never to act in anyone’s shadows
If I post, the UCB
Will put me on a Harold team
No matter what they say about me
They can’t take away my ppd
Because the greatest post of all
Is happening to me
I made the greatest post of all
On the IRC
The greatest post of all
Is easy to achieve
Hitting reply enough
You’ll reach the greatest post of all

I believe that improv is our future
Teach it well, perform it on the stage
Improvisers need a message board website
Give them a quick-reply box to make it easier
Let the bits hereafter
Incline us all to sharp riposte

I decided long ago
Never to act in anyone’s shadows
If I post, the UCB
Will put me on a Harold team
No matter what they say about me
They can’t take away my ppd
Because the greatest post of all
Is happening to me
I made the greatest post of all
On the IRC
The greatest post of all
Is easy to achieve
Hitting reply enough
You’ll reach the greatest post of all

And if by chance, that special pace
That you’ve been posting at
Leads you to a lonely place
Find your strength in ‘prov

Credits

Originally posted on the Improv Resource Center Message Boards on October 2, 2003.

Link: http://improvresourcecenter.com/mb/showthread.php?t=18866

Listen to the Song
Story behind the Song

This song was a significant improvement in my song-making skills, and it is reminiscent of the song “5,000” —  my second-ever posting song. It is a song I still listen to today.

I love the speed of the lyrics of this song. I penned them at work after already having drafted the music. Playing the music at work, I found different “-ation” words that fit together into great passages. Most of the lyrics have to do with my personal theories on improv, which at the time were significantly influenced by game theory and derivative ideas. The song references “Neutrino Nation” (website now defunct); Neutrino was a cutting-edge improv team at the Upright Citizens Brigade Theatre that had recently been dissolved by the theater for what sounded like controversial reasons. Essentially, I elevate their status with this song.

If I could do this song over, I would change the breakdown part of the song, which has always mildly annoyed me. I love the part when the lyrics happen again with a vocal modulation, but just before that when there are no lyrics, I needed a little more music else I needed to do something more interesting at that point. The song gets a little bit boring at that point to my ear. But despite that, it’s a song I still love, and its beginning is quite incredible!

Lyrics

caught a contagion for
improv equation
the newest sensation:
“cooperation”

hardsell persuasion
on this occasion
9k fixation
(indoctrination)

chaotic information
and humanation
the characterization
of ideation

the next invasion
of improvisation
is coordination
else annihilation

gimme attention, i want your suggestion
a need for connection, long-form perfection

i hit reply and then i die, and
if i die i still reply, and

i make a thread and then i’m dead, and
when i’m dead i’ll make a thread, and

ostentation
breeds irritation
yet in deviation
lies conjugation

cleave narration
for motivation
pursue for duration
then game rotation

the true ovation
is “cooperation”
refuse editation
on cachinnation

inspiration
yields termination:
where in tarnation’s
neutrino nation?

gimme attention, i want your suggestion
a need for connection, long-form perfection

i hit reply and then i die
and if i die i still reply, and

i make a thread and then i’m dead
and when i’m dead i’ll make a thread, and

Credits

Originally posted on the Improv Resource Center Message Boards on March 27, 2004.

Link: http://improvresourcecenter.com/mb/showthread.php?t=24007

Listen to the Song
Story behind the Song

One of my most artistically meritorious creations, it was received with some critically respectful reviews, but several strongly negative reviews.The song takes the form of a rant somewhat motivated by a New Year’s Eve gone bad close to midnight, which sponsored a lot of anger. Emotion almost always motivates great writing from me: I had had the music for the song laid out for a long time, but I couldn’t figure out what lyrics I wanted for it.This song weaves together different layers of lyrics, even connecting some of them interestingly. (I especially like how I say “underscored” repeatedly underneath some other lyrics, and how I connected “what Del Close said” with the chorus.

The song’s lyrics are complimented by demonic voice modulations that are very loud and very scary. If you listen to this song in the dark, it can be quite a terrifying experience.

I like the song a lot. It is shocking and opinionated. It is a function of my relationship with the improv world at the time.

Lyrics

you step onto a message board
a message board, a message board
and you post a lot

you slit your throat on a message board
on a message board, on a message board
and you bleed a lot

What is the Harold trying to say?
Just look at the end. Everything connects.
So don’t you think the Harold is saying that —

you cut your teeth on a message board
on a message board, on a message board
“you don’t think a lot”

you laid your wreath on a message board
on a message board, on a message board
you dug your grave, now take your plot

What use is taking a suggestion
if you’re just gonna do whatever you please?
Have you heard the phrase “Take a hint”?
Well take the hint! Go with it,
and fucking come back around to it!
Jesus Christ! Lord have mercy on our souls!

Don’t Ben Don’t Been
Post 10,000 Post 10,000
Don’t Ben Don’t Been
Post 10,000 Post 10,000

reputation, underscored,
underscored, underscored,
underscored, etc.,
… undeserved

Don’t you ever revise your maps?
Look at the territory? Improv has turned into
a bunch of back-patting, ass-grabbing, and
cluster-fucking. Where’s the art?
Just because you call yourself an improviser,
doesn’t mean you actually do it!

Don’t Ben Don’t Been
Post 10,000 Post 10,000
Don’t Ben Don’t Been
Post 10,000 Post 10,000
Do It Do It
Post 10,000 Post 10,000
Do It Do It
Post 10,000 Post 10,000

This post is not Berrebbi Approved.
REPEAT: “I Do Not Need Berrebbi’s Approval”!

humanation in a mental ward
in a mental ward, in a mental ward
i can’t find my want

(i can’t find my want, i can’t find my want, etc.)

The game of the scene is not what’s interesting,
or what’s funny, or the pattern of the scene.
My shirt has a fucking pattern.
The game of the scene is the interplay of wants.
Stop finding your feelings.
FIND YOUR WANT!

What is the Harold trying to say?
Just look at the end. Everything connects.
So don’t you think that Del Close is saying —

Do It Do It
Post 10,000 Post 10,000
Do It Do It
Post 10,000 Post 10,000
Don’t Ben Don’t Been
Post 10,000 Post 10,000
Don’t Ben Don’t Been
Post 10,000 Post 10,000

May I have a suggestion from the audience?
A word, a phrase, anything …
Preferably not food.
We’re all hungry.
Hungry for satisfaction.
And I want satisfaction.

GIMME A FUCKING SHOW!

Don’t Ben Don’t Been
Post 10,000 Post 10,000
Don’t Ben Don’t Been
Post 10,000 Post 10,000
Don’t Ben Don’t Been
Post 10,000 Post 10,000
Don’t Ben Don’t Been
Post 10,000 Post 10,000

Credits

Originally posted along with the song “The Superbowl (Is Gay)” on the Improv Resource Center Message Boards on January 2, 2005.

Link: http://improvresourcecenter.com/mb/showthread.php?t=32452

Computer-Aided Songs

There was the age of homemade songs that used a tape recorder for recording, then there was the age of songs created with the aid of a computer. The songs contained in this section were all made in some way or another by use of the computer. These songs tend to incorporate sound files found freely on the internet and mixed using audio software. Still DIY, the quality is increased in these songs from the homemade age–mostly sound quality and precision.

Listen to the Song
Story behind the Song

I actually posted this rather randomly for my 12,900th post on the Improv Resource Center. When I created this song, I think I just wanted to make a song.

Though I didn’t know it at the time, the looping broadcast audio you hear in this song is a slightly edited clip from Orson Welles’s The War of the Worlds. In addition to the broadcast audio, there’s a snippet from Kris Kross’s song “Jump” unevenly placed in the song, an Al Pacino clip, and Star Wars attack insinuations. It’s a funny song in that respect. The loop makes the song a little monotonous, but I don’t mind it. Oh, and the final soundbyte is from A Mighty Wind.

Lyrics
[This song is an instrumental.]
Credits

Originally posted on the Improv Resource Center Message Boards on April 1, 2006.

Link: http://improvresourcecenter.com/mb/showthread.php?t=47098

Listen to the Song
Story behind the Song

This was an early version of the posting song “5,000” for the Improv Resource Center Message Boards. It was created in October 2002.

I had created the music for this song, but I’d not penned the lyrics. My roommate at the time, a musical theater actress named Amy McAlexander, came into my room and had fun mocking the song, offering me the first lyric: “My mom, she made some pot roast & potatoes …” I think that’s a direct quote.

From there, a song about my family life evolved. This song is based on the generally true nature of my family life. It’s sad and funny at the same time, sort of a family commentary.

As for the lyrics, they are the lyrics you hear but woven together a la the end of the song. This song is catchy and fun, with what sounds like a James Brown sample toward the end.

Lyrics

my i’ve mom, told she you made 5,000 some times pot i roast am & tired potatoes too
my i’ve dad, told he you said 5,000 he times can’t i be am home tired for too dinner
my i’ve bro, told he you said 5,000 he times won’t i eat am the tired potatoes too
my i’ve mom, told she you cried 5,000 as times she i folded am the tired laundry too

Credits

Additional lyrics and inspiration by Amy McAlexander.

Listen to the Song
Story behind the Song

I don’t quite remember what inspired this song, other than just coming up with a silly idea. This song was quickly created I believe soon after “4,000” and was posted on the Improv Resource Center as well. The idea was making July 19th “P Day.” I don’t believe I elaborated on what that meant, I just invented it.

That day or around that time, I’d had a knee injury, and I’d gotten an MRI done. I may have gone to get the MRI done just before making this song. Whatever the case, its multi-letter name worked its way into a song about a single letter, as did other letter references. The opening toilet flush and the farting noise in the song bring out the urination theme in the song, though I don’t actually recall thinking I wanted to add those for thematic reasons. They may have been simply interesting sonic ideas that fit into the song!

Anyway, it’s a really catchy tune. Enjoy.

Lyrics

p, that’s me
gotta look and c
not d, not e, not f, not g
put me in a cup for a drug test, c
not we, not u, just p, that’s me
got a bad knee, i
go to radiology
get an mri

but there’s no p
no p? no p
no p? no p
n-o-p-e
nope, no p

Credits

Originally posted to the Improv Resource Center Message Boards on July 19, 2002.

Link: http://improvresourcecenter.com/mb/showthread.php?t=6786

Listen to the Song
Story behind the Song

This is a cover of the improvised Choo Choo Andee (aka Andy Milonakis) song that made him famous. I released it on the Improv Resource Center along with “10,000” after having re-discovered it more than a year after having made it.  It was only a demo at the time, giving a more techno vibe to his made-up song.

The song is not very good, simply a draft of an attempt to do something different with the song. Should you want to watch and hear the original version, the Andy Milonakis video is online here.

Lyrics

The Superbowl is gay
The Superbowl is gay
The Superbowl Superbowl Superbowl is gay
The Raiders are gay
The Raiders are so fucking gay
Raiders are so fucking gay
The Raiders are gay
The Bucks are gay
The Bucks are also fucking gay
The Bucks are also fucking gay
The Bucks are also fucking gay
The Bucks are gay
Raiders, gay
The Bucks, gay
Superbowl, gay
Everything else, gay
Water, gay
Cologne is gay
DVD players are gay
DVDs are gay
Stray cats are gay
The sky is gay
It’s also sometimes gray
But it’s mostly gay
Cottage cheese, gay
Yogurt, gay
Shirts, gay
Vacuum cleaners, gay
Electronic devices, name ’em, a lot of ’em are gay
Why are they so gay?
Why is everything gay?
KFC is gay
McDonald’s is gay
McDonald’s is gay
You must not misunderstand me when I say McDonald’s is gay because it is so gay

Orange juice, gay
Orange juice, gay
Orange juice raped my father…
So that makes him gay
[‘Cause as you know orange juice is a male]

Gay, gay
Gay, gay, gay
I don’t wanna play with you ’cause you’re gay
I don’t wanna play with you ’cause you’re gay
Why don’t you go eat hay
You stupid gay
Why don’t you go eat KFC which I already told you is gay
So that would make a nice gay couple
Because you eat KFC and you are so gay just like the chicken that you’re eating
Put on some cologne you faggot ’cause you’re gay
And so is the cologne and everything is gay that I know
Dollar bills are gay
Coins, gay
Monitors are gay
Monitors are gay
Scanners are gay
Zip drives, gay
CD burners, gay!
CD burners are gay!
They burn music from Kazaa but they’re gay
Ay, ay
Ay, ay, ay
I am not gay
I am not gay
I am not gay
I like girlies …
I like girlies
But I also like penis
So I guess I’m gay
I guess I’m gay
I guess I’m gay
Gay, (etc.)

We’re all gay

Credits

Lyrics by Andy Milonakis.

Originally posted along with the song “10,000” on the Improv Resource Center Message Boards on January 2, 2005.

Link: http://improvresourcecenter.com/mb/showthread.php?t=32452

Listen to the Song
Story behind the Song

Verbally, this song is nonsense. Emotionally, it is honest and painful. What motivated the lyrics was a girl I liked a lot but who didn’t like me. She pained me; hence, “it hurts when I hear you talk.” The reference to razor blades and sock puppets is nonsense, possibly a perfect poetic characterization of my feelings at the time.

The music is intentionally ridiculously loud. The opening clip is from a children’s book a girlfriend gave me in college. The book played sounds of squirrels at the push of different buttons. I think I created this song on the computer, but I don’t remember how I created the super-loud music. Possibly by plugging my Casio SK-1 into the computer.

Lyrics

it hurts when i hear you talk
razor blades
sock puppets

Credits

c.2001

Homemade Songs

In the beginning, my music was DIY and totally homemade, using a Casio SK-1 sampling keyboard and anything I could find that made an interesting sound. I often drew from toy instruments such as battery-powered air drumsticks and a plastic keymonica. The samples I used during this period tended I’d make from cheap cassette tapes I’d buy with notches cut out of the sides, or from movies whose audio I could pump through my stereo and record.

Listen to the Song
Story behind the Song

This is one of my anthems. The chorus came to me while driving to work in North Carolina one morning. I don’t drink, and I don’t think it’s very cool, but I knew that was generally the opposite sentiment of people my age (I was in college when I wrote this song). I actually got cast in a play in NYC because of this song; at an audition they asked us to rap, so I brought this out in the audition and it worked.

The music is some kind of loop I made on my Casio SK-1, possibly a loop of a toy keymonica I played.

It’s funny: The song is badass because it’s so contra-badass. But admittedly, my brother is more badass than I am: He’s featured in the chorus and sounds more authentic. And of course, my mom got in on the action, which makes the song extra sweet!

Lyrics

hey, wait,
you know it’s not late
where ya think you’re goin’ with that oilslick date?
they say this party’ll go down like murdered sharon tate
so you better just sit and wait

hey, you’s,
stop right in your shoes
this ain’t no rules and you’s ain’t no fools
where ya takin’ flipper from the place where it’s cools
what’s that you say? no booze?

THIS PARTY AIN’T GOT NO ALCOHOL
THIS PARTY AIN’T GOT NO ALCOHOL
THIS PARTY AIN’T GOT NO ALCOHOL
THIS PARTY AIN’T GOT NO ALCOHOL

trippin’, sippin’,
fartknockers rippin’
in the phat frat house with the studs and the phillies
givin’ each other’s wet willies, sillies

but here are gina’s
we ain’t got no zimas
or buds, or bud lights, or red dog

THIS PARTY AIN’T GOT NO ALCOHOL
THIS PARTY AIN’T GOT NO ALCOHOL
THIS PARTY AIN’T GOT NO ALCOHOL
THIS PARTY AIN’T GOT NO ALCOHOL

sorry, schmucks,
barfin’ outta trucks
we don’t do that kinda schtuff
‘cuz we like to party,
not vomit in a potty
no cigs, no joints, no snuff

we play twister, mousetrap, card games
pin-the-tail-on-the-bleepin’-bleep-donkey
we don’t get arrested
we don’t go to jail
we don’t get arraigned
we don’t post bail

THIS PARTY AIN’T GOT NO ALCOHOL
THIS PARTY AIN’T GOT NO ALCOHOL
THIS PARTY AIN’T GOT NO ALCOHOL
THIS PARTY AIN’T GOT NO ALCOHOL

cops come
men armed with guns
partygoers pullin’ out their weapons
mess of beer and bullet bad-shots
six men dead, six women

THIS PARTY AIN’T GOT NO ALCOHOL
THIS PARTY AIN’T GOT NO ALCOHOL
THIS PARTY AIN’T GOT NO ALCOHOL
THIS PARTY AIN’T GOT NO ALCOHOL

Credits

c.1996

Listen to the Song
Story behind the Song

One of my original sad but funny but still sad songs, “All Yesterday” features a toy keymonica for which I created and recorded on a mini tape recorder the music. I simply played the recording when singing into my real tape recorder. This was a method that allowed me to expand what I could do in my songs. It was fun and creative, though definitely lo-fi.

Lyrics

the car is wrecked
the house burned down
all yesterday

the dog is dead
i lost an arm
all yesterday

all yesterday
i did not know what was to come
all yesterday
naïveté reigned supreme

my cd broke
i got a b
all yesterday

stock prices dropped
jan got cottage cheese thighs
all yesterday

Credits

c.1996

Listen to the Song
Story behind the Song

I found the lyrics for “Git Along, Lil Dogies” on the back of a record of Western songs. I didn’t know how it went at the time, so I simply took the lyrics and made music for it. It’s really fun to sing this way!

The beat was made with a toy air drumstick that had its own speaker. I just did a hitting motion and it made the sound of a drum — hence the unevenness of the beat.

Lyrics

As I was walking one morning for pleasure
I spied a cowpuncher riding along
His hat was throwed back and his spurs were a-jingling
And as he approached he was singing this song

Whoopee ti yi yo, git along little dogies
It’s your misfortune and none of my own
Whoopie ti yi yo, git along little dogies
You know that Wyoming will be your new home

Credits

c.1996

Listen to the Song
Story behind the Song

A very bizarre song intermixing Muppet references and references to literature, this song didn’t really ever make sense though it almost seems to, including some interesting ideas (read the first stanza and the last stanza). It’s a least very fun to sing, especially if you want to create a disturbing mood.

Lyrics

fiction faked me out
novelty wasn’t novel
pages passed by like time
and time is slow to learn

big bird wasn’t my aunt
snuffy doesn’t have a coke habit
if i could have a muppet
i would have miss piggy

kermit can go screw off
dive himself into a book
read about poisonous frogs
read about the elephant man

non-fiction tells more truth
that’s ‘cuz it’s not so novel
if i could have a muppet
i would have miss piggy

Credits

c.1996

Listen to the Song
Story behind the Song

I think this is one of my catchiest and funniest song ideas in my early years of writing songs. I don’t actually have a sister, but this is what I’d do to her if I had one.

The beat is from my Casio SK-1 keyboard.

Lyrics

put the curler in the toilet
tie the tampons to the dog
string her bras on the flagpole
torment the sister who loves you

push her q-tips in your nostrils
sell all her billy joel records
put a snake in her panty drawer
torment the sister who loves you

tell her how much you love her
cross your fingers at your behind
tell her how much she means to you
then exploit her in the tabloids

send her diary to her boyfriend
cut her curly locks while she’s sleeping
go tell mom that she has herpes
torment the sister who loves you

Credits

c.1996

Listen to the Song
Story behind the Song

This song, made in college and perhaps my last song before the computer-aided age, was inspired by my perception of punk at the time. (In all honestly, I didn’t really have a sense of it, from what I recall.) It is based on the story of my time working in the mailroom of the Pepsi-Cola Customer Service Center, with some obscure references only a few of the people there will understand, perhaps forgotten over time. Basically, someone there used to work for a pizza place and there were sexual shenanigans of some sort there.

Lyrics

deep inside my mind
peek and then you’ll find
a yogurt and some
postage stamps

at the store while shopping
look behind the cereal
take a look at
postage stamps

i went to work to make some pizzas
walked in the back door for no reasons
found a stick of used pepperoni
my eyes turned to the manager
flush the commode
mop the floor
fill the soap
clean the hands
clean the hands
clean the hands
clean the hands
clean the hands

right beside the handtruck
over by the mail
take off all the
postage stamps

underneath the sausage
licked on there somehow
someone put some
postage stamps

i went to work to make some pizzas
walked in the back door for no reasons
found a stick of used pepperoni
my eyes turned to the manager
flush the commode
mop the floor
fill the soap
clean the hands
clean the hands
clean the hands
clean the hands
clean the hands

Credits

c.1997